I was in my third year of teaching creative writing at Ralph McKee Vocational School in Staten Island, New York, when one of my students, 16-year-old Mikey, gave me a note from his mother. It explained his absence from class the day before:
我在纽约史坦顿岛Ralph McKee职业学校教授创造写作的第三年时，我有个学生，16岁的麦克交给我一张他母亲写的假条，解释他头一天为什么旷课：
“Dear Mr. McCort, Mikey’s grandmother who is eighty years of age fell down the stairs from too much coffee and I kept Mikey at home to take care of her and his baby sister so I could go to my job at the ferry terminal. Please excuse Mikey and he’ll do his best in the future. P.S. His grandmother is ok.”
“尊敬的麦考特先生，麦克80岁的祖母因为喝了太多咖啡从楼梯上摔了下来，我让麦克呆在家里照顾她以及他年幼的小妹妹，这样我才能去轮渡码头上班。请原谅麦克，将来他会尽自己最大努力。又及：他祖母没事。”
作者弗兰克·麦考特于2005年11月14日在纽约市史蒂文森中学。(REUTERS/Mike Segar)
I had seen Mikey writing the note at his desk, using his left hand to disguise his handwriting. I said nothing. Most parental-excuse notes I received back in those days were penned by my students. They’d been forging excuse notes since they learned to write, and if I were to confront each forger I’d be busy 24 hours a day.
我看见麦克在自己的课桌上写这张假条，为了掩饰笔迹，他用左手写的。我一言未发。那时我收到的大多数家长假条都是学生们自己写的。自他们学会了写字，就开始编理由写假条，要是我找每位造假者对质，那我一天24小时都得忙活。
I threw Mikey’s note into a desk drawer along with dozens of other notes. While my classes took a test, I decided to read all the notes I’d only glanced at before. I made two piles, one for the genuine ones written by mothers, the other for forgeries. The second was the larger pile, with writing that ranged from imaginative to lunatic.
我把麦克的假条扔进了抽屉，和其他数十张假条放在一起。在班级考试时，我决定要把才看过的所有假条拿出读一读。我把它们分成了两堆，一堆是母亲们写的真的假条，另一堆是造假者写的。第二堆比较多，写作风格多种多样，从虚幻到荒谬。
I was having an epiphany.
这简直像过主显节。
Isn’t it remarkable, I thought, how the students whined and said it was hard putting 200 words together on any subject? But when they forged excuse notes, they were brilliant. The notes I had could be turned into an anthology of Great American Excuses. They were samples of talent never mentioned in song, story or study.
我觉得，学生们抱怨不论什么主题他们都难以凑出200字，这是不是很值得关注？可当他们编造假条时，那可是太有才了。我手里的假条都可以编成一本《美国精彩借口》文选。这是歌曲、故事或研究中从未提及的天才范例。
How could I have ignored this treasure trove, these gems of fiction and fantasy? Here was American high school writing at its best—raw, real, urgent, lucid, brief, and lying. I read:
我怎能忽略这个宝藏，这些虚构和幻想的瑰宝呢？这是美国中学写作的巅峰——原始、真实、急切、清晰、简明、谎话连篇。我读道：
The stove caught fire and the wallpaper went up and the fire department kept us out of the house all night.
炉子起火了，壁纸烧着了，消防员让我们整晚都呆在屋子外面。
Arnold was getting off the train and the door closed on his school bag and the train took it away. He yelled to the conductor who said very vulgar things as the train drove away.
阿诺德正在下车，车门把他的书包夹住了，火车把包带走了。他冲着列车员大喊，火车开走了，列车员骂骂咧咧说着极其粗俗的话。
His sister’s dog ate his homework and I hope it chokes him.
他妹妹的狗把他的家庭作业吃掉了，我宁愿这狗噎着。
We were evicted from our apartment and the mean sheriff said if my son kept yelling for his notebook he’d have us all arrested.
我们从公寓中被赶了出来，那个刻薄的法律执行官说要是我儿子继续为他的笔记本大吼大叫，他就将我们全部拘捕。
The writers of these notes didn’t realize that honest excuse notes were usually dull: “Peter was late because the alarm clock didn’t go off.”
这些假条的作者没想到诚实的假条通常很沉闷：“彼得迟到是因为闹钟没响。”
One day I typed out a dozen excuse notes and distributed them to my senior classes. The students read them silently, intently. “Mr. McCourt, who wrote these?” asked one boy.
有一天，我将一些假条打印出来，然后发给高年级学生。学生们沉默而聚精会神地读着这些假条。“麦考特先生，这些都是谁写的？”有位男生问。
“You did,” I said. “I omitted names to protect the guilty. They’re supposed to be written by parents, but you and I know the real authors. Yes, Mikey?”
“你们，”我说。“我把名字省略了，免得你们内疚。本来应该由家长写，不过你我都知道真正的作者是谁。对不对，麦克？”
“So what are we supposed to do?”
“那么，我们该怎么做呢？”
“This is the first class to study the art of the excuse note—the first class, ever, to practice writing them. You’re so lucky to have a teacher like me who has taken your best writing and turned it into a subject worthy of study.”
“这是研究假条艺术的第一课——练习写假条的第一课。你们很幸运，有我这样的老师将你们最好的作品当做课题来研究。”
Everyone smiled as I went on, “You didn’t settle for the old alarm clock story. You used your imaginations. One day you might be writing excuses for your own children when they’re late or absent or up to some devilment. So try it now. Imagine you have a 15-year-old who needs an excuse for falling behind in English. Let it rip.”
我说话时，每个人都笑了。“你们没有随便拿旧闹钟说事。你们运用了自己的想象力。以后，当你的孩子迟到、旷课或者调皮捣蛋时，也许你得为他写假条。所以现在就来试试。假设你有个15岁的孩子要解释为什么英语课落后了。加油写吧。”
The students produced a rhapsody of excuses, ranging from a 16-wheeler crashing into a house to a severe case of food poisoning blamed on the school cafeteria. They said, “More, more. Can we do more?”
学生们创造了借口狂想曲，从16轮马车撞倒了房子，到由于学校餐厅的原因，导致食物中毒。他们说，“再多点，再多点。我们能不能再多写点？”
So I said, “I’d like you to write—” And I finished, “ ‘An Excuse Note from Adam to God’ or ‘An Excuse Note from Eve to God.’ “ Heads went down. Pens raced across paper.
所以，我说，“我想让你们写——”我终于说了，“‘亚当给上帝的假条’”或‘夏娃给上帝的假条。’”大家的脑袋低了下去，开始奋笔疾书。
Before long the bell rang. For the first time ever I saw students so immersed in their writing they had to be urged to go to lunch by their friends: “Yo, Lenny. Come on. Finish it later.”
没过多久，铃声响了。第一次，我发现学生们写得如此投入，得要同伴催促他们去吃午饭：“唷，兰尼。得了。回来再写啦。”
Next day everyone had excuse notes, not only from Adam and Eve but from God and Lucifer. One girl defended the seduction of Adam on the grounds that Eve was tired of lying around Paradise doing nothing, day in and day out. She was also tired of God sticking his nose into their business.
第二天，每个人都有假条，不仅有来自亚当和夏娃的，也有来自上帝和撒旦的。有位女生为诱惑亚当辩解，说夏娃厌倦了在天堂里无所事事，日复一日年复一年都是如此。她也厌倦了上帝多管闲事。
Heated discussions followed about the relative guilt and sinfulness of Adam and Eve. No one said anything negative about God, though there were hints. He could have been more understanding of the plight of the first man and woman, said someone.
接下来就亚当和夏娃的相关罪行和罪性展开了激烈讨论。没有人说上帝的不是，虽然有些许暗示。有人说，他应多多谅解第一个男人和女人的命运。
I asked the class to think about anyone in history who could use a good excuse note. I wrote suggestions on the board: Eva Braun, Hitler’s girlfriend. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, executed for treason. Judas. Attila the Hun. Lee Harvey Oswald. Al Capone.
我让学生思考历史上可以找充分借口的人。我在黑板上写了一些作为提示：希特勒的女友伊娃·布劳恩。因叛国罪而处死的朱利叶斯·罗森堡及埃塞尔·罗森堡夫妇。犹大。匈奴王阿提拉。李·哈维·奥斯瓦尔德。艾尔·卡彭。
“Yo, Mr. McCourt, could you put teachers up there?” said a student.
“那个，麦考特先生，您能把老师们也放上去吗？”有位学生说。
And then I heard, “Mr. McCourt, the principal is at the door.”
然后，我听到有人说，“麦考特先生，校长在门口。”
My heart sank as the principal entered, along with the superintendent of schools. Neither acknowledged me. They walked up and down, peering at papers. The superintendent picked one up, showed it to the principal.
校长进来时，我的心一沉，同来的还有督学。两人都没理我。他们来回走动，瞄瞄学生们的文章。督学拿起一张，给校长看。
The superintendent frowned. The principal pursed his lips. On their way out, the principal said the superintendent would like to see me.
督学皱着眉头。校长嘴唇紧闭。在他们出去的时候，校长说督学想见我。
Here it comes, I thought. The reckoning. The principal was sitting at his desk; the superintendent was standing. “Come in,” said the superintendent. “I just want to tell you that that lesson, that project, whatever the hell you were doing, was topnotch. Those kids were writing on the college level.”
算帐的来了，我想。校长坐在自己位子上；督学站着。“进来，”督学说。“我就是想告诉你，这节课，这个活动，不管你到底在折腾什么，精彩极了。这些孩子的写作已达到了大学生的水准。”
He turned to the principal and said, “That kid writing an excuse note for Judas. Brilliant. I just want to shake your hand,” he said, turning back to me. “There might be a letter in your file attesting to your energetic and imaginative teaching. Thank you.”
他对校长说，“为犹大写借口的那个孩子，太聪明了。我想和您握手，”他说着，转向我。“可能我会写封信证明你生动而充满想象力的教学。谢谢你。”
God in heaven. High praise from an important person. Should I dance down the hallway, or lift and fly? Next day in class, I just started singing.
我的神啊。大人物的高度评价。我是不是应该在大厅跳舞，或者飘飘然一番？不过第二天上课时，我只是开始唱歌而已。
The kids laughed. They said, “Man, school should be like this every day, us writing excuse notes and teachers singing all of a sudden.” Sooner or later, I figured, everyone needed an excuse. Also, if we sang today we could sing tomorrow, and why not? You don’t need an excuse for singing.
孩子们笑了。他们说，“老大，学校应该每天都这样，我们写借口，老师们突然唱歌。”我想迟早每个人都需要借口。还有，如果我们今天唱歌，明天还是可以唱，为什么不呢？唱歌又不需要借口。
